I am deeply dissatisfied with something my whole life. When I was little and lived with my father and mother I always dreamt about living with my grandma. With her, everything always seemed better. I loved my grandma. She always had fresh cheese, cream, and fruit yogurt. The atmosphere in her apartment was warm and pleasant. And my grandma…she was kinda short, had curly hair and was all chubby and round. Like a pillow warm with gentle smile and she always smelled like Nivea cream. When I stayed with her we took her dog Lola every morning for a walk. Very often we would go to farmers market where everyone knew her.

Before I stared to go to school we moved to her apartment. I was thrilled over that. But, after some time and after my mother left us and I stayed alone with her I started to be dissatisfied. I would often hide in a bathroom and cry asking myself why can’t I have normal family. Family where there is no fighting and yelling. Where everyone love each other and show their affection towards each other. I just wanted my dad, mom, sister, brother and my grandma, To be together as a family. I needed love and affection.

Somewhere in middle of my elementary school we moved to my mother. At a beginning everything seemed ideal but it turned out bad pretty quickly. It took only 5 years for my life to turn few times upside dow. And for me to loose myself for a long time.

I was 15 when I moved to my foster family. My sister and her husband brought me to people who will take care of me until I turn 19. The whole situation I took temporary because my brother and sister promised me they will become my foster parents. Of course, that never happened. Whole 6 years I was dissatisfied. In a house was 6 foster children and 4 biological children. The house was full of people all the time. I had to follow rules which I never did before. I had to share my room which I did not wanted. It was exceptionally difficult for me to accept everything that goes on around me. I continued to daydream about my ideal family. Every time when for a second I would realize that my ideal family does not exsist, one peace of my world collapsed. Then, I would try to collect all my energy to patch that hole with same fantasy until next time I will realize ugly truth.

When I turned 19 I moved to apartment with my roommates and started my new life as a college student. My dissatisfaction continued. That feeling continued when I finished my schooling and even when marched into my new adventure-married life.

Not until my thirties I realized how negative I look onto life and how I basically look through child’s eyes. Child who just want’s something it considered as a normal family. That was new turning point in my life. Then I acknowledged the child within me and comforted him. I comforted him in a way that nobody knew how before.

I was never ashamed of a fact that I was fostered. I was never ashamed of a fact that I had a family that couldn’t cope with challenges of an adult life. I never thought what would people say about me being in foster care. I never saw that as my fault, and when I realized what I gained from it I haven’t considered as something wrong in my life. Of course, that’s  the whole process of self-awareness and of my surroundings and realizing what it means. It’s not short and it is not easy. It takes patience, but it is worth it. 

My foster parents gave me rules. Rules that gave me a chance to be a child when I needed to be and to be an adult when time has come. Did I fought against all of it? Yes. But we should fight. We have to learn at certain point of our lives how to fight because we would need that when we became adults. The difference is that we must see when we are wrong and let others to give us rules to follow and trust them that this rules will make sense with time. They gave me love and hugs. Hugs that reminded me of my grandma and moments when I felt most loved. They gave me peace of themselves and I gave them peace of myself. Now we are family. When things are difficult and when are great, we are here for one another because we accepted each others. I accepted myself and they accepted me.

Being fostered with 15 for me was turning point. Today I am me because of it and life I had. Due to my experience I have ability to understand people in my life. People that I was so mad before. Be certain, all the anger, sorrow and dissatisfaction has their purpose. Maybe at a moment you can’t see that and don’t fully understand, but believe in yourselves that at one point you will understand your emotions and how they arose and what part they have in your life.

Being fostered doesn’t make you different from others, and yet it makes you completely different. Beautiful truth is that that truth is valid for every human being in a world. We all have stories that makes us as we are and it is onto us to accept them.